Iowa Thanks to Big City Life

Song Lyric of the Day:

The evening had turned to rain / Watch the water roll down the drain

Dream Academy / “Life in a Northern Town”

9:50PM.
Our trip to Iowa was fun. We saw lots of family, ate lots of good-but-not-good-for-you food, and generally had fun being away from home. I also had a shower experience straight out of a horror movie and discovered that, yes, I am still a human cow repellent. And now, a recap:

Day 1 – Friday
We got on the road at 8:30AM, later than Rich would have liked (I will take only some of the blame). Ahem. We grabbed breakfast on the road (Burger King) during our drive to Atlanta, got to the airport with barely any time to spare, checked our luggage in, and caught our flight. The flight to Memphis was pleasant enough, although we were not impressed to discover that Northwest Airlines doesn’t give you in-flight snacks; we’d have to pay $1 for a teeny bag of trail mix. At least we got whole cans of soda instead of just half.

Once in Des Moines, we deplaned and waited by the luggage carousel for our luggage. And waited. And waited. Rich went to the luggage claim counter to complain and was told that, for some reason, our luggage was on the next flight. Since it was only 4PM at the time, we decided to take our rental car and head to a local movie theater and catch a showing of Over the Hedge (loved it!) and then head back to the airport in time to meet our luggage. Or so we thought. Upon arriving at the airport a little after 6PM, when our luggage was nowhere to be found, we were told that it hadn’t cleared TSA in time to make the later flight and they had no idea when it would arrive. If it arrived in Des Moines before 10PM, it would then have to be flown to Sioux City before being brought out to us at the family farm in Storm Lake. Our trip was off to a fantastic start.

We hopped back in our rental Kia and headed to Roland for a late dinner with the Schultz family. At least we had a good time there; we had fun catching up with Linda, Pete, Tom, Anna, and Dion over a delicious barbecue dinner. We said our goodbyes and then headed to Storm Lake. Of course, since I was driving this leg, a major thunderstorm hit. Nothing like driving across miles and miles of roads you don’t know in almost pitch-dark conditions with no visibility. Rich and I switched at some point and made it to the family farm a bit after midnight. As soon as we stepped out of the car, we were greeted by the fresh smells of cows and hogs, so I hauled ass to get into the house.

Rich’s aunt was still up to welcome us. We said our goodnights and headed to bed in the same clothes we’d been wearing for over 16 hours. After the day we’d had, we fell asleep immediately and slept like the dead the whole night.

Day 2 – Saturday
I woke up to the sound of Rich talking with Grandma and Grandpa Edwards. I joined them in the kitchen only to be informed that Rich had awoken to a voicemail on his cellphone left by the airport. Basically, the message said that our luggage had been delivered–it had been covered with a tarp and left in the breezeway. What breezeway?!? Rich and Grandpa Edwards had driven to every farm in the area only to come back empty-handed. At this point, I almost went into hysterics. Why? Because this was the first–and officially last–time that I’d packed my planner in my checked luggage. Every other time I’ve traveled and taken my planner with me, I’ve always kept it in my backpack so it was with me at all times. And now they’re telling me that our luggage is out there in God-knows-whose hands, including my planner with credit card numbers, our mortgage number, etc. Every identity theft nightmare scenario I’d ever heard in my life was going through my mind now. Grandma Edwards tried to reassure me, telling me how good and honest the locals were. She drove me back to her apartment so I could get online and hopefully find a number that led to an actual human Northwest representative. The three numbers Rich and I had led to automated responses, including one on the dedicated-representative line from which we’d received the call. Go figure.

In the midst of logging on to Northwest’s website, I found myself distracted by the fact that their URL is nwa.com. What popped into my mind, you ask? The 80s rap group, N.W.A. I could hear their slogan in my mind: “N.W.A. Airlines, getting you to your motherf***ing destination, on time, every f***ing time.”

I logged on and tried a couple of numbers I found listed with no luck. I then logged on to CitiCard’s website to cancel my first credit card (when I freak out, I go all the way). I had just logged into My Account when Rich called with the news that our luggage was accounted for. The courier called and said he didn’t know why we got that message, which it turns out he left in the first place. Our luggage was on its way now and should be arriving at the house after noon. After much rejoicing with Grandma Edwards, we headed back to the farm house for lunch and to await the arrival of our luggage. We had a delicious lunch (which midwesterners call dinner) with Rich’s aunt, uncle, grandparents, and cousins. As soon as we finished clearing the table, the courier arrived with our luggage. While I happily reunited with my planner, Rich went to take a shower. When he first turned the water on, the shower backed up. Turns out the farm had been experiencing some sewage problems of late. No problem, though. His aunt cleaned the tub up and Rich went on to a problem-free shower. Then it was my turn.

You know what’s coming now, don’t you?

As I was enjoying my shower and the sheer joy that comes with cleansing yourself after over a day without a proper bath or change of clothes, I noticed that the tub’s water level was getting higher. And cloudier. I then noticed something floating in the water. While trying to decide whether to scream for help or to just go ahead and vomit, I frantically rinsed the conditioner out of my hair. Which was no small feat seeing as how I was essentially trying to straddle the tub walls with my bare, wet feet. My only goal was to not stand in the water. I finished rinsing off and hopped out of the shower. I immediately ran to the vanity where I washed my feet in the sink. I finished dressing and went out to share my experience with Rich and his aunt. Rich and I then said our goodbyes as we were off to Grandma Lee’s apartment in Alta for the night.

The first thing I did at Grandma Lee’s apartment (after hugging her hello) was run to the shower where I once again scrubbed my feet. That made me feel better–and cleaner–so I could now go on with my day. Rich and I spent the day catching up with Grandma Lee. I went down for a nap late in the afternoon, during which they drove around Alta. Once they came back, they woke me up, and we headed to the nearby sports bar for dinner. After dinner, we enjoyed just sitting with Grandma Lee and talking. I also treated her to a slideshow of some of our photos that I had on the laptop.

Day 3 – Sunday
Sunday morning, we went to church with Grandma Lee. Grandma and Grandpa Edwards also attend the same Methodist church, so we all went to the local big family diner for lunch afterwards. By now, our food intake consisted of barbecue, fries, chicken fingers, onion rings, cheeseburgers, pork roast, more cheeseburgers, spaghetti, salad, desserts, and gallons of soda. Keep in mind this was all ingested between Friday night and Sunday afternoon.

We dropped Grandma Lee off at her apartment, gathered our bags, and headed to Grandma and Grandpa Edwards’ apartment. From there, we changed and headed to Kerry and Susan’s wedding reception at the farm, which was our main reason for the visit. While there, we caught up with more of Rich’s assorted cousins, aunts, and uncles. And ate like the piggies that we are; I had five slices of cake of three different cakes, including a cheesecake. I decided to check out the cows and see if I had better luck than my last visit, where I repelled them. No luck. I guess their hatred of me is now generations-old and bred into their bovine souls. The closer I got, the warier they got. They actually stopped eating to get away from me. Pattie Lee, human cow repellent (patent pending). Three and a half hours later, we headed back to the grandparents’ apartment. We then spent the remainder of the evening playing games before turning in for the night.

Day 4 – Monday
I awoke Monday morning to the smell of very burnt bacon. Seems Grandma Edwards had started making us breakfast and then got distracted talking to Rich. We said our goodbyes and headed to Grandma Lee’s apartment to say bye on our way out. Then it was on to Des Moines to meet up with Uncle Gary before catching our flight home. We met Gary at his condo and headed to a nearby Quizno’s, where we were joined by his son, Sean, and Sean’s friend. Rich and I enjoyed hearing about Gary and Sean’s Italian adventure last year. They went while Pete was there, so they had a built-in tour guide.

After lunch it was off to the airport. We wished our luggage good luck and boarded the plane. Our layover was in Memphis again, and we grabbed a barbecue dinner before catching our second plane to Atlanta.

I can’t tell you how relieved we were when our luggage appeared on the carousel at the Atlanta airport. Of course, this was tempered a bit by the fact that it was almost 10:30PM and we still had a three-and-a-half hour drive to Knoxville. The drive was uneventful, save for me having to police myself during my turns driving Rich’s car. We got home a bit before 2AM and were in bed and asleep before 2:15AM. And that was our trip to Iowa.