“What? Are you saying I’m fat?”
“No, it’s just that it looks small.”
“It stretches. I can fit into this without any problem. Even though I’m apparently a whale.”
“I didn’t say you’re fat or a whale –“
“Hmmph. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go change into something more comfortable. Like a blowhole and fins.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
“Honey?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask you a, well, an unusual question?”
Running down to sit on the spiral stairs with chin perched on hands: “Unusual? You’ve intrigued me. Ask away.”
“Well … [CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]?”
“Wow. Just wow. You [CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]?”
“Told you it was unusual.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
Immediately upon finishing eating dinner:
“You know, Troubadour ate cat poop today.”
“Oh my God! Why didn’t you tell me that BEFORE he grabbed my sandwich?” Pausing. “Ugh. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Well, you cut off the bad end, didn’t you?”
“I think I did, but I can’t be sure I didn’t turn the sandwich around when I got to the kitchen.”
“You didn’t eat the poop-breath end.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you only started to feel sick when you thought you’d eaten it.”
“For future reference, please let me know when the puppy has eaten cat shit BEFORE he grabs my food. Thanks.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
“Remind me sometime this week to go to Vanessa’s and trim her bush.“
“Did you really have to say it like that?”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
A shouted conversation while watching TV downstairs in the bedroom while the spouse remained upstairs in the living room:
“Hey!”
“What?”
“What is that music?”
“Nothing!”
“You’re watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire again, aren’t you?”
“No!”
“Yes you are! Don’t lie to me. I know the music by now, you’ve watched it so many times.”
“It’s not Harry Potter! It’s porn!”
“Bullshit! It’s Harry Potter! AGAIN! How many times can you watch that movie?”
“You don’t want to know!”
“Don’t make me come down there. You’d better be watching porn if I do.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
“You watched True Blood without me?! I can’t believe you TV cheated!”
“I’m so sorry. I couldn’t help myself. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Oh, so it didn’t mean anything?”
“OK, it did mean a lot. It was a really good episode.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
Selecting “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” and hitting play on the iPod, knowing full well what the spouse thinks of that song:
“That’s right — I’m subjecting you to The Darkness!”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for the last ten years or so?”
Gasping in mock horror in reply: “Sonofabitch!”
“Oh, you just wish you thought of saying it first.”
Sighing dejectedly: “Well, yeah.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
Arriving home after a long day working two jobs:
“Why are there upside-down bowls all over the living room floor?”
“One of the cats threw up, so I covered it up.”
“OH MY GOD! You used our BOWLS to cover up cat barf? Bowls we EAT out of?”
“What? They’re washable. Besides, I didn’t want to waste the paper towels.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
Yelled from upstairs:
“Arrrrrggggghhhhhhh!”
Replying from downstairs:
“It’s a melted ice cube, not pee!”
From upstairs:
“Thank God.”
From downstairs:
“Now do you see why I tell you to wear slippers?”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
While having a heated discussion about not wanting any actual kids to be able to access my children’s books:
“So have you always gone by Cruella de Vil?”
Laughing:
“Excuse me? Did you just call me Cruella de Vil?”
“I’m just wondering if it’s your birth name or if you had to have your name legally changed.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
