Category Archives: humor

A Conversation With Coraline: Q&A

“What does … chocolate milk turn into?”

“Pee.”

“What does … chocolate turn into?”

“Poop.”

“What does … candy turn into?”

“Poop.”

“What does … water turn into?”

“Pee.”

“What does … the fox say?”

“Ni ni ni ni ni ni ni.”

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A Conversation With Coraline: Baby Gaga

“I’m going to have a baby sister.”

“Oh, you are now, are you? Because that’s news to me.”

“Yes. And she will be named Baby Gaga!”

“You know that wouldn’t be her real name, right?”

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Scene From a Marriage # 7,642

While opening Christmas stockings:

“Nickels? Two rolls of nickels?”

“I’m not very good at the stocking thing yet.”

“Clearly.”

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Scene From a Marriage #33,011

“And then we watched some Monsters vs. Aliens.”

“What?! Oh my God, I can’t believe you let her watch that!”

“Why not? She loves it.”

“Because it’s violent and scary, that’s why.¬†Wait, that’s not right, is it?”

“Good grief. You’re thinking of Alien vs. Predator.”

“Oh. Yeah, I am. Whoops. Wrong movie.”

“Puh-leez. If I were going to have Coraline watch an action movie, it would at least be a good one.”

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Scene From a Marriage # 32,349

After my pinky toe PIP reduction follow-up appointment:

“Want to see a picture? Look!”

Noticeably paling: “And this little piggy went ‘bleccccccch.'”

 

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Scene From a Marriage # 5,386

“Why does my puppy’s breath smell like a humidor?”

Gasping: “My cigar!”

“Your cigar?”

“I was smoking a cigar outside and tucked the unfinished part in the windowsill.”

“The puppy-level windowsill?”

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t think that one out, did you?”

*Believe it or not, this was Caleb, NOT Troubadour.

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Scene From a Marriage #31,974

After explaining to Coraline what a submarine is:

“You know, I’ve been on a submarine.”

“20,000 Leagues Under the Sea at Disney World doesn’t count.”

“Dammit.”

“I know how you think, boy.”

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Scene From a Marriage #31,915

While discussing our concurrent stomach illnesses:

“We need to buy more crackers. We need to buy Saltines. We need the most boring cracker known to man.”

Throwing his arms in the air: “Here I am!”

Falling over laughing: “Oh my God.”

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Scene From a Marriage #25,446

The tail end of a several-minutes long diatribe while discussing home improvement projects:

“I HATE that short hobbit toilet so much! Someday, when we replace it, I want to sledgehammer it to smithereens. I HATE it. It’s so gross. I keep expecting Ewan McGregor to pop up out of it.”

Sighing in exasperation: “Are you done?”

Taking a bow: “And scene!”

“Uh-huh.”

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Scene From a Marriage #30,932

“I realized Coraline’s first poop on the potty was on my birthday.”

“And just think — she picked this gift out all on her own. The real gift was doing it at my mom’s house so you wouldn’t have to deal with it.”

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