The tail end of a several-minutes long diatribe while discussing home improvement projects:
“I HATE that short hobbit toilet so much! Someday, when we replace it, I want to sledgehammer it to smithereens. I HATE it. It’s so gross. I keep expecting Ewan McGregor to pop up out of it.”
Sighing in exasperation: “Are you done?”
Taking a bow: “And scene!”
“I realized Coraline’s first poop on the potty was on my birthday.”
“And just think — she picked this gift out all on her own. The real gift was doing it at my mom’s house so you wouldn’t have to deal with it.”
Hearing approaching footsteps: “Peeing with the door open!”
Footsteps getting closer: “Peeing with the door open! PEEING WITH THE DOOR OPEN!!!”
Right outside of view of the door: “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be peeing with the door open, would you?”
While shopping in a home improvement store:
“Hey, do you want to buy some lye and a shovel, freak them out?”*
“What is wrong with you?”
Laughs in response.
“Seriously — what’s wrong with you?”
*One of us might have watched a few too many forensics shows in their lifetime.
“You were really funny last night.”
“See, I told you I’m a funny drunk!”
“You’re not that kind of funny drunk.”
“So if I got amnesia, how long would you work to make me fall in love with you again?”
“Work? Pfft. You’d fall in love with me.”
“Please. We were made for each other.”
Looking up from the iPad and noticing American Horror Story: Asylum on the TV.
“Thanks for that. Seeing that creepy guy with his skinned face. It’s going to give me nightmares. Ugh.”
After a brief pause: “It wasn’t his skin.”
Spouse* closes up iPad, gets up, and wordlessly leaves the room.
“Honey? Honey? You’ll be OK.”
*The spouse is not exactly a horror aficionado.
During an hours-long car drive:
“Since I’ve lost a few pounds I think I could fit into that outfit again.”
“I remember when you first wore it. Your ass looked great in it.”
“So you’re saying my ass doesn’t look great anymore? Is that it?”
After a long pause, looks out the car window: “Ooh, look at the pretty sky.”
“That’s right, change the subject.”
Another long pause, then spotting a billboard: “Jim Beam Whiskey!”
The evening after Rich’s shoulder surgery:
“You know, when the pager went off way earlier than they said your surgery would be done, I panicked. I thought they were calling me back there to tell me they had to amputate your arm. I just knew that’s what it was when your doctor walked in the room to talk to me. And I was all panicky, thinking, ‘Oh my God, he’s an artist! What is he going to do without his right arm?!’”
“Really? That’s what you went straight to? Amputation?”
“I also think your doctor looks a lot like Woody Harrelson.”
While trying to find somewhere to turn the car around: “What was I thinking? I should never listen to you when it comes to driving directions. You have no sense of direction.”
“Seriously — why did you listen to me?. ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.'”
“Fool me three times, I must be married to you.”