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And This Little Piggy Went “Bitch, That Hurt!”

Song Lyric of the Day:

My tired feet / Oh my tired feet / My tired feet brought me to that red boat / So still and foreign waters

Alela Diane / “Tired Feet

About two years ago I broke my right pinky toe. I’m naturally (frighteningly) clumsy, and that day I was looking over my shoulder talking to Rich as he changed Coraline’s diaper. So instead of simply walking through the door from Coraline’s room into the hallway, my right pinky toe took the full brunt of the wall by the door. Rich helped tape my pinky toe to the one next to it in the hopes it would heal OK. Turns out it did not, so I finally went to a podiatrist last year because my toe hurt in most of my shoes — flats, heels, whatever. Simply wearing shoes had started to hurt, and I couldn’t even get my right foot into certain shoes anymore, even with my toes taped.

My foot doc said I created a hammertoe when I broke it (STOP! Hammertoe time!), and suggested a tenotomy. Basically, she’d slice the tendon underneath my toe to cause it to flatten out. Flatter toe equals an easier time fitting into and wearing shoes, right? In my case, wrong. My foot doc had made things clear up front so that I knew going into that procedure in December 2012 that there was a chance the tenotomy wouldn’t work. By late summer 2013, though, I was still having trouble fitting into some of my shoes, and I was pretty sure that my recovery time had long since passed. I scheduled another visit to my doc, and she confirmed that the tenotomy had not worked for me. In fact, I think it actually made the problem worse in that my toe would rub raw in some shoes. She explained my two options: Learn to live with it, or get a PIP reduction, where the bone gets shaved down a bit and reset and then a pin is put in place. All of that leaves you with a toe just the eensiest bit shorter than before.

So two days ago I had a PIP reduction. My pinky toe now has a white plastic tip sticking out of it — which I’ve christened the Eiffel Toe-wer — protecting the pin that needs to stay in for the next four weeks. As if I didn’t know to be careful, my doctor reiterated, “Bend the pin, bend the toe.” So I’m being extra careful because I want and need for my toe to heal WELL. I’ve been sitting around for two days straight now just keeping my foot elevated, which would have me climbing the walls save for the fact that our friends Caren and Evan are in town. Although before they arrived last night I’d been sleeping like a hibernating bear.

I have several more days of keeping my foot elevated and can’t put my full weight on it just yet, only on the heel. I have to say, I really took walking and mobility in general for granted until this surgery. With the tenotomy I was at least able to hobble around on my foot. Now I’m relegated to my husband duct-taping a garbage bag around my foot so I can use our old-man shower with the seat. At least my knowing our dog Caleb sees me as a half-bionic monster thanks to the crutches is amusing.

The moral of this story? Don’t break your damn toe.

The Eiffel Toe-wer broadcasts a radio station with a reach of half a foot.

P.S.: This post was brought to you by me on legally prescribed drugs.

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