Inhaling, Prison Break, and an Unplanned Pregnancy Test

Song Lyric of the Day:

This cat’s on a hot tin roof / Drinkin’ that whiskey, 96 proof / Don’t need no doctor, don’t feel no pain / My legs are just two steps ahead of my brain

Brian Setzer Orchestra / “This Cat’s on a Hot Tin Roof”

6:16PM.
What a long day it’s been. I’ve been up since 5:57AM, so pardon me if I go off in a delusional, sleep-deprived direction. Not that that would be much different from my completely lucid writing.

I woke up early so I could meet Jonathan at his and Curry’s house before driving together to the medical research experiment site at Oak Ridge National Laboratory (ORNL). It was about 21 degrees when I left the house, which woke my non-coffee drinking self up real quick. I got to their house at about 6:35AM, where Jonathan was waiting (and waiting) for his dial-up connection to pull up MapQuest so we could get directions. After a few minutes of waiting (and waiting), we gave up and decided to try our luck with the very low-res, 17th generation map copy we had been provided.

The drive in was uneventful, if still cold; seriously–it took me hours to warm up today. We found ORNL easily enough, checked in at the gate, and drove on to the visitors’ center. I think we were both awed by how large the whole ORNL facility actually is; the grounds must cover acres upon acres. We got to the visitors’ center, which is a nice, new, modern building with non-heat-retaining window walls (I’m just saying). At about 7:45AM, our project contact, Ralph, came in to get us. We followed him in his car to a parking lot a little ways away from the visitors’ center, where we then parked and climbed into his Saturn. Ralph then drove us a few more blocks in and up a hill to a small, completely aluminum building. Jonathan and I immediately noticed a sign warning “Danger: Explosives Inside” affixed to the wall next to one of the doors. At this point, we exchanged “what did we just get ourselves into?” glances.

We entered the building, where Ralph introduced us to the other two researchers, Dr. Knepp and a cute little Indian man named Manju. I was taken aside first to answer some statistical questions (weight, height) for Manju. While Manju was questioning Jonathan, Dr. Knepp asked Ralph if he should give me the test now. I thought, “What test?” I was then handed an E.P.T. pregnancy test kit. “Oh, that test.” Protocol dictates that pregnancy is definitively ruled out. I took the test and am happy to report that it was negative as expected (thank you, Jesus). Later, on the drive home, Jonathan would tell me he wondered what I would have done if I’d actually turned out to be pregnant. I told him he would’ve heard the most bloodcurdling scream ever heard, followed by a loud thud and glass shattering.

After the preliminaries were taken care of, Jonnie and I were led to the research room. Remember when I called it the box, sight unseen, in my post yesterday (under the 7:27PM heading)? Turns out I was right. The room was also completely aluminum, about 8 feet wide by 12 feet long. Two comfy-looking office chairs were positioned in front of a Magnavox TV/DVD/VCR combo. Two pairs of headphones were plugged into the TV, their cords wrapped in aluminum foil to minimize interference. A table was against the back wall with two briefcase-sized monitors sitting atop it. Once they started hooking the machines up to us, that’s when I really felt like we’d walked into an episode of the X Files. Good thing there wasn’t a lightning storm this morning.

Our blood pressure was taken, and then Jonnie and I were each wired with two diodes on both sides of our necks, two diodes on both sides of our torsos, elastic bands around our chests and stomachs, a sensor to detect if we moved around too much, a blood pressure cuff on one finger, and a heavy doohickey bracelet thingamabob that was hooked up to the blood pressure cuff.

Once we were hooked up, the first of three rounds commenced at about 8:45AM. Cigarette smoke was pumped into the room while the research team sat outside monitoring us and our machine readouts. We had to sit as still as possible and talk as little as possible, which Jonnie adhered to better than I did. I kept laughing at how serious he looked while looking like a human science project. I had given Jonnie the first of the Prison Break DVDs I’d burned for him at his house the other night, which he brought with him this morning. We started off with the pilot and were about halfway into the fourth episode by the time the third round ended at about 12:00PM.

Our blood pressure was taken at the end of each round; I noticed mine crept up after each round. We were slow getting the second round started since my fingers were so cold my blood pressure cuff wasn’t getting a reading anymore. Jonnie started joking when he saw my flatline on the monitor, asking me what it was like on the other side. Dr. Knepp found some mitts to put on my hands like gloves, which helped a lot. The odor pumped in during the second round turned out to be cedar; I’m not sure what the third one was, but I thought it smelled like a kind of hybrid, super cigarette smoke. Despite all the odors we were exposed to today, both Jonnie and I agreed that it paled in comparison to the cigarette smoke we inhaled in Las Vegas.

We filled out surveys before leaving the research facility and were given our first checks. We’ll receive double the amount at the end of testing tomorrow and the remainder of the balance on Friday. Jonnie’s right–this is some of the easiest money we’re ever going to make. I mean, I’m getting paid to hang out with one of my best friends (albeit quietly) and watch my favorite new TV show. It doesn’t get much better than that. To cap off our first day, we had lunch at Big Ed’s Pizza. We went back to Jonnie’s house where I got my car and headed home. Then I passed out for a couple of hours.

Jonnie and his father-in-law, Mr. Page, were nice enough to come by tonight to take another look at our mystery laundry room leak. Mr. Page brought his grandson, Joshua, with him, who is too cute. He’s as cute as Benjamin (my almost nephew) and the same exact age. Joshua loved the house and took to calling the loft-within-the-loft our clubhouse. He cracked me up when saying goodbye–I told him he could call me Pattie instead of ma’am, and he said he’ll call me Sweet Thing instead. Very flattering. Also very unexpected.

After they’d left, Rich and I ate dinner while we watched The Office from last night; I think this is my new favorite episode. We’ll be keeping this episode, “Christmas Party,” on the Tivo for a while.

Now we’re waiting for Dr. Tamara to come over. She’s spending the night here so I can drive her to the airport in the morning before heading back to ORNL; she’s got a week-long medical convention in–wait for it–Las Vegas. Lucky.