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Three Years (and a Day) of Blogging: The Horror

Song Lyric of the Day:

Time after time those fanatical minds try to rule all the world / Telling us all it’s them who’s in charge of it all / I’ve got a trick, a magic stick, that will make them all fall / We’ve got the power now, motherfuckers; that’s where it belongs

The Flaming Lips / “W.A.N.D.

10:20PM.
Yesterday was my third blogging anniversary. Three years of ranting, opinionating, reviewing, blathering, and song-lyric-of-the-day-selecting, and have I learned anything or made any impact on the world? Nah. Although I have come a long way, personally and professionally, since I started. So that’s something, at least.

I missed blogging yesterday on my actual anniversary since I spent most of my weekend incapacitated with a sprained ankle. I was avoiding getting plowed over by a Hummer backing out of a parking space at the mall Saturday morning and stepped in a pothole, temporarily crippling myself. I can’t blame the Hummer driver, though, since I know how hard it is to notice when a five-foot-eight woman walks behind your vehicle. How I spent my weekend:

The Horror, The Horror
I blame AMC‘s Monsterfest and Sci-Fi‘s 13 Days of Halloween. As you know, I’m a huge horror movie buff (it’s hereditary), so how can I resist non-stop horror movies? I had them on all last week at work, half-listening while I worked, determined not to jump or scream if someone came by my cubicle and inadvertently startled me. (If anyone had come by while the original Halloween was on, after everyone around me had already gone home, well, it would’ve been bad.) So since I was bedridden with ice on my ankle most of the weekend, I breezed through some of my DVDs to keep the scary movie momentum going. I watched When a Stranger Calls, Dawn of the Dead, Halloween: Resurrection (I know, I know — it sucks), and Shaun of the Dead for, oh, the thousandth time or so. (Awesome — SotD’s official site is still active.) I also watched most of the special features for DotD and SotD, which provided impressive insight into the special effects and makeup involved. Tomorrow night I’ll be going to Regal’s Halloween 4 & 5 Double Feature. Because I haven’t been jumpy and twitchy enough these last several days.

For horror’s sake, check out:

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for bed. While I continue watching Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood on AMC.

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Cemetery ManDellamorte DellamoreDVD (1994)

Cemetery Man starts off with a bang: As caretaker of Buffalora Cemetery, Francesco Dellamorte is quite skilled at dispatching the recently dead. He and his simple-minded assistant, Gnaghi, take pride in their work — particularly in how they handle what Dellamorte calls “Returners”: people who return from the dead within seven days of dying (the z word is never used).

Rupert Everett plays Dellamorte as the quintessential cool cucumber: “My name is Francesco Dellamorte. Weird name, isn’t it? Francis Of Death. Saint Francis Of Death. I often thought of having it changed. AndrĂ© Dellamorte would be nicer, for example.” Sure, Dellamorte knows he should report the unusual phenomena of the dead coming back to life to the local authorities, but he sees it as a sort of job security. Why mess with a good thing? Of course, his good thing begins to veer irreparably off course when he falls in love with a recently widowed woman, played by the beautiful Anna Falchi; she portrays a total of three different characters, each of whom takes with her yet another piece of the damaged Dellamorte’s soul. Meanwhile, Gnaghi is involved in his own unconventional romance — namely that his girlfriend is the “returned” severed head of the mayor’s daughter.

Despite an uneven start, director Michele Soavi quickly focuses Dellamorte’s story on the business of having a life when your living involves working with the dead, although it starts to veer a bit off course again in the last couple of acts. Still, this quirky Italian movie falls firmly on the side of black humor horror rather than scary horror. The action, humor, and special effects (I lost count of all the wires visible) bring to mind such classic horror/comedies as Braindead (Dead Alive) and the Evil Dead trilogy, complete with impressively bloody makeup effects. There’s even a graveside sex scene and some gratuitous nudity thrown in for good measure.

If you’re looking for a good scary movie, Cemetery Man‘s not for you. But if you want a gory, quirky, funny take on the undead (the z word) horror movie genre, give it a look-see. Because, really, the one true inevitability in life is death — it’s inescapable. As Dellamorte himself says at one point, “I’d give my life to be dead.”

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