“What does … chocolate milk turn into?” “Pee.” “What does … chocolate turn into?” “Poop.” “What does … candy turn into?” “Poop.” “What does … water turn into?” “Pee.” “What does … the fox say?” “Ni ni ni ni ni ni ni.”
humor
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A Conversation With Coraline: Baby Gaga
“I’m going to have a baby sister.” “Oh, you are now, are you? Because that’s news to me.” “Yes. And she will be named Baby Gaga!” “You know that wouldn’t be her real name, right?”
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Scene From a Marriage # 7,642
While opening Christmas stockings: “Nickels? Two rolls of nickels?” “I’m not very good at the stocking thing yet.” “Clearly.”
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Scene From a Marriage #33,011
“And then we watched some Monsters vs. Aliens.” “What?! Oh my God, I can’t believe you let her watch that!” “Why not? She loves it.” “Because it’s violent and scary, that’s why. Wait, that’s not right, is it?” “Good grief. You’re thinking of Alien vs. Predator.” “Oh. Yeah, I am. Whoops.…
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Scene From a Marriage # 32,349
After my pinky toe PIP reduction follow-up appointment: “Want to see a picture? Look!” Noticeably paling: “And this little piggy went ‘bleccccccch.'”
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Scene From a Marriage # 5,386
“Why does my puppy’s breath smell like a humidor?” Gasping: “My cigar!” “Your cigar?” “I was smoking a cigar outside and tucked the unfinished part in the windowsill.” “The puppy-level windowsill?” “Yeah.” “Didn’t think that one out, did you?” *Believe it or not, this was Caleb, NOT Troubadour.
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Scene From a Marriage #31,974
After explaining to Coraline what a submarine is: “You know, I’ve been on a submarine.” “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea at Disney World doesn’t count.” “Dammit.” “I know how you think, boy.”
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Scene From a Marriage #31,915
While discussing our concurrent stomach illnesses: “We need to buy more crackers. We need to buy Saltines. We need the most boring cracker known to man.” Throwing his arms in the air: “Here I am!” Falling over laughing: “Oh my God.”
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Scene From a Marriage #25,446
The tail end of a several-minutes long diatribe while discussing home improvement projects: “I HATE that short hobbit toilet so much! Someday, when we replace it, I want to sledgehammer it to smithereens. I HATE it. It’s so gross. I keep expecting Ewan McGregor to pop up out of it.”…
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Scene From a Marriage #30,932
“I realized Coraline’s first poop on the potty was on my birthday.” “And just think — she picked this gift out all on her own. The real gift was doing it at my mom’s house so you wouldn’t have to deal with it.”