“You know why the puppy has such long ears?”
“No. Why?”
“All the better to cover up his horns.”
Category Archives: humor
Scene From a Marriage # 3,783
Arriving at IHOP after leaving the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows book release party.
“I’m worried someone will show up with the book and start reading from it and spoil it for us.”
“God, you’re paranoid.”
“Hey, it could happen, you know.”
“Come on – what are the odds of someone sitting down right next to us with the new Harry Potter book?”
A couple sits down nearby with the new Harry Potter book and opens it up to start reading out loud.
“Oh my God! I TOLD you it could happen!”
“Oh, crap.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
When All Else Fails: Eddie Izzard
Song Lyric of the Day:
Go get your losing head / Seeing fire, I’m told it never burns / I want it all, I pull you back. I want it all / Cry baby, cry baby, cry. Soaking down your face / Cry baby, cry baby, and you can’t understand how I could just kill a man
Charlotte Sometimes / “How I Could Just Kill a Man“
I’ve had a headache bordering on a migraine most of the day. So since I don’t have a lot of energy right now, what should I do? Why, share my love of the British transvestite comedian Eddie Izzard.
Best-known these days stateside for his role on the FX series, The Riches, Eddie Izzard instantly became one of my all-time favorite comedians the first time I saw his stand-up special, Dress to Kill. I mean, he’s a transvestite comedian. Weirdo or executive transvestite? You decide.
Turns out the bit from that special that ended up being my favorite (aside from saying “sweet Jazzie Chrissie” instead of taking you-know-who’s name in vain), was the bit about learning French. Brings back a lot of memories from high school French class, because, honestly, how on earth were we expected to work some of the phrases we learned into everyday conversation — in French? It’s hard enough working references about monkeys in trees and mice under tables into everyday English conversations.
BBC America recently aired not only Dress to Kill, but Glorious, which I hadn’t yet seen. Despite being heavily edited for television, it was still very funny. One of my favorite bits had to do with “bird strikes.” Now I just need to get the DVD and watch it uncensored and uncut.
In looking for clips from both those shows, I came across yet another special I need to watch, Sexie. Turns out Izzard does a great Christopher Walken impression. Not surprising, since he is also an actor, after all; I still think his Professor Bedlam/Barry was the only truly funny — and memorable — thing in the movie My Super Ex-Girlfriend.
As an added bonus, in finding all these clips on YouTube tonight, I found Lego-animated clips set to some of Izzard’s comedy. I liked the James Bond clip the best.
I also liked the Lego clips about the differences between British and American movies, and B-movies and vampires.
Very much wanting to see Eddie Izzard in concert, particularly on the heels of having recently watched Dress to Kill and Glorious, I clicked on his Stripped tour dates link to see if and when he was performing anywhere close to Knoxville. My joy at seeing a Nashville show listed was short-lived, though, as it’s for next Friday — when I will be leading my team at the American Cancer Society Relay for Life (check out some of my pics from the 2007 event). I won’t lie — I briefly considered being a no-show for my fifth Relay (my third as team captain) just to see Izzard perform live. I’m not perfect, you know. Alas, my obligation to fundraising for cancer research beckons.
So now Rich and I will see if we can’t find tickets to see him in Atlanta a few days after that instead. Wish us luck! (And donate to my team‘s Relay for Life fund if you can.)
Scene From a Marriage # 5,842
Picking up a prescription bottle.
“You didn’t take your last pill? For your LYME DISEASE?”
“Nope.”
“Why not? What if you get attacked by ticks and get it again?”
“Well, then, I have an extra pill handy, don’t I?”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
Scene From a Marriage #7,660
“So do you think it’d be a bad idea to start watching Se7en while I’m getting ready for bed?”
“No.”
“Really?”
“OF COURSE IT’S A BAD IDEA. Dumbass.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
Warning: Don’t Step on the Ducks
Song Lyric of the Day:
I’ve seen those English dramas too / They’re cruel / So if there’s any other way To spell the word / It’s fine with me, with me
Vampire Weekend / “Oxford Comma“
10:08PM.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Scene From a Marriage #5,120
“I figured out why my right jaw was sore all day yesterday.”
Long pause.
“You going to tell me why?”
“I had my Kashi cereal for breakfast, and it’s really crunchy since I eat it dry.”
“Well, then, eat it with milk, you goober. Like 99 percent of the world does.”
“I don’t like cereal with milk. Excuse me for not jumping on the bandwagon, LEMMING.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from marriage
Scene From a Marriage #8,427
Upon arriving home after 10 days of travel and a vacation in Uruguay.
“So. Alone time?”
“Sure. For how long?”
“Oh, I don’t know. A week?”
“And there it is.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
Scene From a Marriage #781
Holding a package behind his back.
“I got you a present.”
“Really? I love sur-“
Whips present out from behind his back.
“It’s Slingblade!”
“-prises…”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
Scene From a Marriage #6,200
“Hey, honey? If we were left stranded in the ocean and you were holding on to my dead body, how long would you hold on to me before letting me go?”
Bursts out laughing.
“What? Where the hell did that come from?”
“I’m watching Open Water 2 — did you know there was an Open Water 2? No, of course you didn’t — and this woman is hanging on to her dead husband just bobbing in the ocean.”
“Oh. Well, I’d hold on to you at least until some sharks showed up needing to be fed.”
“Good to know where I stand.”
Filed under humor, marriage, relationship, scene from a marriage
