scene from a marriage

“Are you sure that’ll fit you?” “What? Are you saying I’m fat?” “No, it’s just that it looks small.” “It stretches. I can fit into this without any problem. Even though I’m apparently a whale.” “I didn’t say you’re fat or a whale –“ “Hmmph. If you’ll excuse me, I’m…

“Honey?” “Yeah?” “Can I ask you a, well, an unusual question?” Running down to sit on the spiral stairs with chin perched on hands: “Unusual? You’ve intrigued me. Ask away.” “Well … [CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]?” “Wow. Just wow. You [CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]?” “Told you it was unusual.”

Immediately upon finishing eating dinner: “You know, Troubadour ate cat poop today.” “Oh my God! Why didn’t you tell me that BEFORE he grabbed my sandwich?” Pausing. “Ugh. I think I’m going to be sick.” “Well, you cut off the bad end, didn’t you?” “I think I did, but I…

“Remind me sometime this week to go to Vanessa’s and trim her bush.“ “Did you really have to say it like that?”

A shouted conversation while watching TV downstairs in the bedroom while the spouse remained upstairs in the living room: “Hey!” “What?” “What is that music?” “Nothing!” “You’re watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire again, aren’t you?” “No!” “Yes you are! Don’t lie to me. I know the music…

“You watched True Blood without me?! I can’t believe you TV cheated!” “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t help myself. It didn’t mean anything.” “Oh, so it didn’t mean anything?” “OK, it did mean a lot. It was a really good episode.”

Selecting “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” and hitting play on the iPod, knowing full well what the spouse thinks of that song: “That’s right — I’m subjecting you to The Darkness!” “Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for the last ten years or so?” Gasping in mock horror…

Arriving home after a long day working two jobs: “Why are there upside-down bowls all over the living room floor?”“One of the cats threw up, so I covered it up.”“OH MY GOD! You used our BOWLS to cover up cat barf? Bowls we EAT out of?”“What? They’re washable. Besides, I…

Yelled from upstairs: “Arrrrrggggghhhhhhh!” Replying from downstairs: “It’s a melted ice cube, not pee!” From upstairs: “Thank God.” From downstairs:“Now do you see why I tell you to wear slippers?”

While having a heated discussion about not wanting any actual kids to be able to access my children’s books: “So have you always gone by Cruella de Vil?” Laughing: “Excuse me? Did you just call me Cruella de Vil?” “I’m just wondering if it’s your birth name or if you…