Category Archives: humor

A Conversation With Coraline: Inappropriate Reading Material

“That book I picked up from the library is about the Green River Killer. It’s by a famous true-crime writer named Ann Rule. She wrote her first book after discovering that the nice guy she worked with at a crisis hotline was actually a serial killer. Turns out her friend Ted was Ted Bundy.”

“Wow. Really?”

“Yeah.”

“I want to read a book about Ted Bundy!”

“Sorry, kiddo. I’m pretty sure there’s not a ‘Who Was Ted Bundy?’ in that series you have about people like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”

“That’d be cool if it was a real book, though.”

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Scene From a Marriage # 27,784

While discussing a certain best-selling “erotic” literary trilogy:

“You know those books started out as Twilight fan fiction? Twilight fan fiction!”

“At least she finished writing them. Bam!”

“Shut up. Honestly, she just took Twilight and threw some S&M stuff in there. Ugh. Makes me want to kill someone.”

“You do know the ‘M’ in ‘S&M’ stands for masochism, not murder, right?”

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A Conversation With Coraline: Abandon Ship

“Were you alive when The Titanic sank?”

“No. No one you know was alive when it sank.”

“Not even Abuela?”

“Oh my God. It sank one hundred six years ago! She would be horrified to hear you think she’s that old.”

“Don’t tell her!”

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A Conversation With Coraline: Running the Numbers

“How old are you?”

“How old do you think I am?”

“I don’t know. Thirty-two?”

“Today you are my favorite child.”

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A Conversation With Coraline: The News

Noticing ABC World News Tonight With David Muir was on the TV:

“Can you record this?”

“It’s already recording. Why do you want to watch it?”

“Because sometimes I think the news is exciting.”

“Well, I’ll keep it recorded for you.”

“Yay!”

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A Conversation With Coraline: Heaven Is a One-Way Trip

After discussing our dearly departed dogs:

“Why do people not come back from heaven?”

“Because they just don’t, sweetie. People and animals don’t live forever. But the good thing is in heaven you’re healthy and happy, and you know someday you will see your loved ones again.”

“Yes, when their time on earth has passed.”

“Wait — what did you just say?”

Simply smiles in reply.

“How old are you?”

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A Conversation With Coraline: Cows and Heroes

“What did you learn about in school today?”

“We talked about cows and heroes!”

“Cows and heroes? That’s interesting.”

“And guess what?”

“What?”

“I’ve been waiting to tell you this all day because it’s really special. Do you know who my hero is?”

“No. Who’s your hero?”

Pointing excitedly: “You are! You’re my hero! Isn’t that the best thing you ever heard in your whole life?”

“You know, kid, actually it is.”

March 24, 2015

March 24, 2015

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A Conversation With Coraline: Victoria’s Real Secret

“Look, Mommy! They have little dresses for little kids!”

“Those aren’t dresses.”

“Yes, they are.”

“No, they’re people clothes.”

“Oh. Look! There’s another little dress for little kids!”

“Again, that’s not a little dress. You know what? I’ll come back another day by myself.”

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Scene From a Marriage # 34,774

After driving out of our neighborhood on the way to day care:

“Oh my God! I forgot my phone!”

“Really? You never forget that.”

“It’s OK. I can go home at lunchtime to get it.”

A few blocks from day care:

“Oh my God! I left my work laptop at home!”

“Are you OK?”

“Ugh. I’ll drop you off at work then go home to get it.”

A few blocks from work:

“Oh my God! I forgot my wallet! It’s still in my camera bag from Coraline’s ballet class last night.”

“What is going on with you? You’re like me, but on crack.”

As he’s getting out of the car and looking through his backpack:

“Aw, crap! I left my wallet in the garage!”

Laughing my ass off:

“Oh my God! We’re senile!”

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A Conversation With Coraline: The Publix Checkout Line

Pointing: “Can you buy me that book?”

“Which one?”

“The one with the wedding girls.”

“That’s not a book. It’s a bridal magazine.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s to help women plan their weddings. And you are not currently planning your wedding.”

While flipping through the pages of the magazine: “Because I still need to find my prince first.”

“You’re three. You’ve got a few more decades to go.”

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